Many years ago, as an undergraduate student, I agreed to house-sit for my French professor and her husband during the summer while they traveled in France. Meanwhile, I remained in southern Maryland to work my job at the college.
I had known of my professor’s plans for months, and over dinner and long walks around their neighborhood, we had discussed every detail of how I would manage in rural St. Mary’s City during their absence. After we hugged and waved goodbye, I watched the car disappear down the quiet rural street.
I had already started to miss Dan and Jane when I returned to the house and walked through the empty kitchen to the living room. Then, my stoicism dissolved completely. In its place, a sudden, crashing wave of desolation and loneliness hit me. My throat closed, and a profound, bereft panic welled up in me. I felt confused and disappointed by my own reaction. I knew that my feelings were too intense for a temporary separation from people I had only recently started to get to know and care about. My reaction and response did not correspond to the reality of the situation.
Only years later did I connect the intense sadness that I felt saying goodbye to Dan and Jane to the moment when my mother left Jamaica. I was only six years old at that time. “I’m leaving for foreign tomorrow morning,” my mother had announced one night after gathering my sister, my brothers, and me in her room at Nugent Street. Then, shocked and confused, I had looked at my mother uncomprehendingly. I had a lot of questions. How? What? Where? Why?
At the time, I did not dare voice my questions, because from prior experience I knew I would not get any answer. I held my tongue. My mother had her reasons for keeping her plans hidden. She did not traffic in feelings—neither mine nor hers. I held my emotions in check as I waved goodbye to her at the airport.
From a Somatic Experiencing perspective, unprocessed trauma is not just something that happened in the past; it’s something that lives in the body’s memory. Though my young adult self was more secure, a younger part of me, the part that once experienced a deep wound, suddenly took the wheel.
This disproportional emotional response is exactly what happens when overwhelming experiences occur before we’ve developed the tools to process them. Our nervous system adapts to survive. As adults, that unprocessed energy can emerge through behaviors, reactions, or emotional patterns that feel “younger” than we are.
Trauma can “freeze” parts of our emotional development. When that memory gets stirred, we might not respond from the present moment; instead, we respond from the age when the overwhelming experience occurred. We grow up, but in certain situations, we exhibit behaviors that echo a much younger self—far different from who we are today. The unprocessed energy can emerge through behaviors, reactions, or emotional patterns that feel “younger” than we are.
Examples of being stuck at the age of the trauma, and what might be happening
⚫ An adult who has made a New Year’s resolution to learn to swim might find herself unable to let go of the wall even though she is standing in the shallow end of the pool.
🔷 What may be happening:
Her body remembers feeling helpless when she witnessed a young cousin who wandered into the deep end of the pool and struggled before lifeguards intervened to save her.
⚫ An adult who is thoughtful, articulate, and capable suddenly goes quiet, avoids eye contact, or struggles to speak when there is tension—especially with authority figures.
🔷 What may be happening:
The body is responding from a time when being quiet and invisible was the safest option.
⚫ A calm, grounded adult feels furious, panicked, or overwhelmed by a simple disagreement or change in tone.
🔷 What may be happening:
The younger self reads disagreement as danger. Conflict led to harm, abandonment, or shame.
⚫ Emotional Shutdown in intimate moments. A warm, caring adult suddenly feels numb, distant, or disconnected in moments of closeness, affection, or emotional vulnerability.
🔷 What’s happening underneath:
The body learned that closeness once came with risk, confusion, or being overwhelmed.
Remaining curious and being aware of our body posture, heart rate, breathing, images, thoughts, and memories at any given time can help identify when we have shifted into a younger part of ourselves.
TAKE YOUR NEXT STEP
Trauma recovery involves talking with a trusted therapist and processing the traumatic material. The work isn’t to “grow up” these parts by force, but to process remnants of the past trauma and become aware of expanded options and possibilities.
If you are struggling with disproportional emotional responses or trauma-related anxiety, culturally sensitive mental health treatment can help you move toward integration.
Ready to start the journey?
